It’s been four months since we broke up, I’m still healing from the wound. They say that once you love someone you always love someone. It’s common right now to hurt, to cry once a while, to miss the person you love. But it’s too late to go back. We got divorced and then we got back together three different times. It’s simply wouldn’t work between us.
Each time talk to him or see him I try to convince myself he was a good guy and you never meant to hurt me and he didn’t hurt me. But I know the truth inside. Even though I really don’t want to admit it, it happened. Being thrown to the floor by your shove was too much to handle so I left. Once I came back he said I was coming at him–all of the 6 foot tall three hundred pounds, and you pushed for your own protection. I landed on the ice on one side and rolled over to the other as it was so slick. I bruised my buttocks and both sides of my legs. It DID happen. He said he was only defending himself and didn’t have a choice. I laid on the ice and I cried out loud he came to the door and called out get in here the neighbors are going to hear you crying. Maybe he had realized the multitude of what he had done. I was too scared to leave and wanted to believe that he loved me, like any other person who has been through abuse, so came back in the house and listen to his excuses of why he pushed me. I was too scared to call shorties and too scared to leave. We were living on his income and so I stayed and I stayed.
I have denied the happenings that happened between us with the hope that we could reconcile. But it is time to come out with the truth to myself and to God to allow me to heal honestly. Many other things happened that were physical in the first house we lived. You threw me on the floor, the hardwood floor. My ego was hurt more than anything and my heart was too.
I called my best friend and told her and I don’t know what I expected her to say. She basically said, “Oh, he did, I’m sorry.” What was she supposed to say? Leave him, come to my house? She knew that I really cared about him and she had been abused before herself and didn’t leave.
Any kind of abuse seems to paralyze a person and makes them think they’re less than they are, that they are not capable of living independently and on their own. The abuser is really a protector that loves them and will take care of them and how could they live about without them. The whole control abusers have on you is unbelievable. You find yourself apologizing over and over for things that were minor.
I am happy to say I am single and I am healing from 12 years of being with my ex-husband who is abusive. Healing isn’t an easy thing and you’ll find it yourself that sometimes you waiver. Sometimes you find out that you absolutely need the abuser to live. I am evidence of that. That is simply not true. You need the support of those around you as a support network of family, friends and someone you can talk to. If you don’t have anyone you can talk to call the abuse hotline in your area. Normally that is at the YMCA-YWCA.
Whatever you do do not feel embarrassed or ashamed make a phone call and talk to a confidential counselor. Get their opinion. While on the phone you can laugh,cry tell them if you’re scared and say what you really feel. Now, this does not mean that you’ll get out of the abusive relationship right away. But there are resources to help you realize the pattern or cycle that’s going on and hopefully lead you towards leaving or putting money away so that you can leave and you’re no longer stranded with an abuser who claims to love you.
And in my case my abuser was also my user. He knew how to take, he knew how to demand, he knew how to scare me, he knew how to comfort me after abuse and most of all he knew how to keep me. I had no money and no way to get away. I have finally decided that after being married for six years, divorced from him, and gotten back together three times, it’s time to give up and live my life. We live separately we are friends but there is no potential for abuse because if he stops at my house he has to go home. The abuse happened when things mounted, financial problems stress, there is always a precursor that happened.
Talk to someone, tell them how you feel, you deserve to get help get out of the situation and get your self-esteem back. I wrote this article not only for women but men also because abuse does happen to men if it’s not reported as much.
If you’re not ready to leave, because you’re scared, you are normal. At least make one phone call to an abuse hotline to talk to someone about it. If you’re feeling that you know you’re crazy, an abuse counselor knows that you’re not. What I did when I really needed to talk to someone, was I went for a ride in my truck and I called the hotline and I had a silent place to talk and get a piece of mind. This took pressure off my shoulders and allowed me to cope better with the situation.
I realize that I protected my abuser, not wanting to believe the things he did to me. I remember getting out the ice pack and putting it on my wrist that he had twisted until he couldn’t anymore.
I remember going to the doctor with the bruised rear end from being thrown off the bed after being held down to where I couldn’t breathe. Extreme fear glowed through me.
If you need any assistance in obtaining an abuse phone number, please contact me at email@example.com and I will be more than glad to find you a number in your area of someone to talk to you about your abuse. You are not alone, the problem is not you, the problem is your abuser’s need to control you and abuse you to survive.
On that note I will in this article and I hope that those of you who even if you put up with a little bit of abuse stop and rethink your life because you’re worth more than the abuse. You’re smart, you’re logical, you have self-esteem even though it might be low right now you are a person with your own mind and you can live independently with help.
God Bless You!